...the oil of gladness instead of mourning... - Isaiah 61:3

Five years ago today my world turned upside down when we found out that our first baby had died in the womb. I was twenty years old and had never encountered deep grief. I had also never encountered a community of love carrying me through such pain and darkness. That day brought so much sadness and many questions. It also brought so much support and many acts of love and thoughtfulness. A few months ago I re-read all of the cards and notes sent to us after our baby died. I cried at the memories and thanked God for giving us people who stood with us, told us of their experiences with baby loss, and prayed us through the dark.

I miss that little babe. I think a part of me always will. I have healed from the grief and am whole. I also see (some of) the purposes for what we went through. But my heart will always feel sad when I wonder about my baby and think of what "would have been."

Today, though, I thank God for three beautiful, healthy children who fill my heart with joy day after day. They are sunshine in my house, the fulfillment of my longing for a baby that was so intense five years ago. Today, I am a different person than I was five years ago. God has indeed "provide[d] for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair" (Isaiah 61:3).