change

I am on the brink of a new phase of life. I must be getting older because change is growing more difficult. I used to want to jump into new things...and as quick as I could! Billy was always the tentative one, the sentimental about the old days one, the why-couldn't-things-stay-the-same one. And it's not that I want things to stay the same now (what kind of person would want to stay 9 months pregnant??). It's just that I'm not pushing my way to the front of the line for jumping into the pool's deep end. Maybe because I've done this before. I know now what is ahead of me: the labor and delivery, the long recovery, the challenge of getting to know what makes my newborn tick, the sleeplessness.... Or maybe it's because I have my focus all wrong. Everything is ready. My house is clean, the laundry is fresh, Havilah's things are in order, the fridge is full, the errands are run, my job is wrapped up. But my mind isn't orderly. My heart isn't fully prepared. I will soon be the de facto mother of two small children. I've never done this before and it seems...well, daunting. My goal for the next two days before I check into the hospital is to rest my mind and calm my heart.

If you know me well, you know how much I love babies--especially my babies. It's not that I don't want Havilah to come. It's that I don't want my baby Hava or my big boy John to have less than the best from me. I want to be all there. I want to avoid mistakes. I want to be able to give myself to them, to give them happy childhoods that lead to responsible, fulfilling, God-honoring adulthoods. In essence, I want what any good mom wants. God help me; I can't do this on my own.